Thursday, February 19, 2009
Confused (DON'T READ IF YOU DON'T WANNA HEAR ME VENT)
A lot has happened to me over the last few weeks, and it really makes me confused. I truly can't remember the last time I was happy for an extended period of time and that scares me. I invest a lot of myself into the things that I do. And whenever I try to do something I try to do it my best. For the most part people know me as a happy person, and to be unhappy sucks. I have never been unhappy like this I don't think. Even after the fiasco that was my first year of college I truly don't think I was this miserable. I spend a lot of my time giving out love. And to be called selfish really bothers me... It's something that sticks with me, and will stick with me for a while. I think the thing that hurts the most is it is not one person calling me selfish. A large group of my friends, or what I thought were my friends, have all managed to hurt me in the worst way possible over the last few weeks. I have heard things like selfish, uncaring, and takes advantage of. That is difficult for me to deal with when I constantly try to impress. I am the person that strives for attention, I always have been, and even after these events, I always will be. I've taken these criticisms and tried to evaluate my life to change it, and I don't think there is anything I can change. I am content with the person I am, and for the first time, I want to blame the people around me. THIS IS VERY DIFFICULT. Like I said these people are all of my friends, and have been for a very long time. I sit and I look at the last few years of my life and I notice that I have self-medicated myself through a lot of my problems. I'm broke, and by broke, I mean I have absolutely no money in the bank, and I owe my Dad well over $100, so for the first time this isn't an option. This leads to a very weird relivation for me, I realize now, that everytime I don't agree with someone's opinion of me, I usually concede to their thoughts, and smoke myself to believe them. Or I drink myself to believe them. I have been extremely emotional lately and I think its a good thing, because for once I am feeling. It may be the worst hurt I have ever felt in my life, but at least, I can feel it. I love a girl, absolutely 100 percent love a girl, and I have invested everything I have into it. And more than anything in the entire world I want to make it work. For the first time in my life, I know what it truly means to want to die for someone. I would probably in fact die for this girl. Don't take this as a suicide threat because it is the most opposite of that. I realize that she is my world and my everything, and I want to become a better person for her. The problem is right now, I don't even know myself, and I don't know how to go about finding myself. I think I am an addict, because everytime I think about all of these emotions, I also think about a way that I can find some weed, or a chance that I can pound a beer. This is so hard for me, and for everyone that is affected by my actions over the next few weeks, I am sorry, but I am trying to find myself without drugs and alcohol, and it is really really hard.