Thursday, February 19, 2009


A lot has happened to me over the last few weeks, and it really makes me confused. I truly can't remember the last time I was happy for an extended period of time and that scares me. I invest a lot of myself into the things that I do. And whenever I try to do something I try to do it my best. For the most part people know me as a happy person, and to be unhappy sucks. I have never been unhappy like this I don't think. Even after the fiasco that was my first year of college I truly don't think I was this miserable. I spend a lot of my time giving out love. And to be called selfish really bothers me... It's something that sticks with me, and will stick with me for a while. I think the thing that hurts the most is it is not one person calling me selfish. A large group of my friends, or what I thought were my friends, have all managed to hurt me in the worst way possible over the last few weeks. I have heard things like selfish, uncaring, and takes advantage of. That is difficult for me to deal with when I constantly try to impress. I am the person that strives for attention, I always have been, and even after these events, I always will be. I've taken these criticisms and tried to evaluate my life to change it, and I don't think there is anything I can change. I am content with the person I am, and for the first time, I want to blame the people around me. THIS IS VERY DIFFICULT. Like I said these people are all of my friends, and have been for a very long time. I sit and I look at the last few years of my life and I notice that I have self-medicated myself through a lot of my problems. I'm broke, and by broke, I mean I have absolutely no money in the bank, and I owe my Dad well over $100, so for the first time this isn't an option. This leads to a very weird relivation for me, I realize now, that everytime I don't agree with someone's opinion of me, I usually concede to their thoughts, and smoke myself to believe them. Or I drink myself to believe them. I have been extremely emotional lately and I think its a good thing, because for once I am feeling. It may be the worst hurt I have ever felt in my life, but at least, I can feel it. I love a girl, absolutely 100 percent love a girl, and I have invested everything I have into it. And more than anything in the entire world I want to make it work. For the first time in my life, I know what it truly means to want to die for someone. I would probably in fact die for this girl. Don't take this as a suicide threat because it is the most opposite of that. I realize that she is my world and my everything, and I want to become a better person for her. The problem is right now, I don't even know myself, and I don't know how to go about finding myself. I think I am an addict, because everytime I think about all of these emotions, I also think about a way that I can find some weed, or a chance that I can pound a beer. This is so hard for me, and for everyone that is affected by my actions over the next few weeks, I am sorry, but I am trying to find myself without drugs and alcohol, and it is really really hard.

1 comment:

  1. how do i become friends with you on this thing? i want to be under your blogs and have you under mine..

    as i read this i started to formulate my own thoughts and by the end of the blog, you had already written them. I'm proud of you for coming to some of these very mature (maybe a tad over dramatic at times) realizations and i love you . add me on this