Sunday, February 22, 2009

Catch up

It's been a while, and I was starting to think that I gave up on this like I do on everything in my life...But I didn't I'm back and it's time to catch up...but of course I would like to vent first...It really bothers me that a person can judge so fast. Just because you don't tell someone you love them doesn't mean you don't love them. I in fact LOVE my exgirlfriend I do, she is an incredible incredible person and truly the only reason our relationship did not work is because she loved me too much. She in fact loved me so much that every little thing she did was for me. She spent every possible and imaginable second trying to impress me, or trying to make me smile, or trying to spend more time with me, or doing something just to make me love her. And it makes me feel like the failure...because I can't give her everything that she gives me. And it began to hurt her. I love her more than anything, and I always will, no other woman will ever compare to her, and honestly even at this moment no other women matter to me...She is still the only thing on my mind...She is a great person, and will always be close to my heart. I do love her...phew!

Welp now that's over, this weekend has been hard, I have tried to keep myself busy to help find myself again. I feel the last few months I have been fighting for something that was lost a long time ago. It is almost like I have forgotten who I am, and I need to refind myself before I can continue to live. I started playing the guitar again...A lot and I am so excited to say I have started writing new songs...incredible new songs that I am proud of, and I may be the most critical person I know. I played two of my new songs for Nick tonight, who happens to be a bigger critic than I myself, and he told me that he loves them too. That makes me feel sucessful and I can not wait til I can play the songs through the blog to show you what I have done.

Thursday was a hard night, a very very very hard night, I tried to explain to the person that I love the most, that things aren't working, and I tried to let her know that I want her to be there for me, but I just can't do it right now, I can't physically tolerate the tortured lives me lead. I love her I do, but we spend more time being miserable than we do being happy, and that is very difficult. SO after epically failing and not being able to communicate, as usual, I ended up leaving miserable and going to my cousins house. I got there and my cousin's consouled me which was awesome because i realized that I am loved, and I do have friends, and that I don't need to fight all the time, I don't need to be connected to a phone at all times, I don't need to be constantly nervous, I don't need to constantly impress, I have a life, and I can lead it, and that is an amazing feeling. Friday was a long day, I worked 2 shifts until 10 at night and then I went to Nick's again and let loose, I had a lot of fun but I woke up on Saturday exhausted, Saturday morning I worked a morning shift, got off and took a nap, I woke up in the afternoon, and started talking with Stephanie...Its really cool for us to talk right now, in fact right now, I am more hopeful for us than I have been in the longest time. Although we haven't seen each other since we broke up, we are actually talking, and not fighting, and we are both realizing that we both were wrong...It is a blessing in disguise but it is awesome, and it made me realize that this break did need to happen, and I stress break because that beautiful woman and i made so many amazing plans together, and I can't imagine my life any other way then we planned it. Well after that I ended up going to my Aunt's house to bake pizzia gaine (I think its spelt like that) It is best described as a meat, egg, and cheese pie that is quesh-like. It is heaven on Earth. After we were done with that we went to Hemmingway's bar in Seaside and it was amazing to be a 21 year-old and drink and dance, and be at a bar and let loose. It was so much fun, I now understand why it is the best year of your life. I crashed at my cousin's shore house, it was great. I woke up this morning and headed back to Freehold to celebrate Carnavale or the pizzia gaine celebration. It was a great family event, and the first that was drama free in a while. Again, another great time. Well just like all good things, Carnavale came to an end, and I headed to Nick's where I am now. Nick and I jammed and played Mariokart, then Nick passed out, and now I'm blogging.

Now I know this blog seems like my last few days have been amazing, but its kind of far from the truth. I wake up and things are great and then as fast as I was happy I begin to think about her again, and its all gone. There are countless occasions that I find myself crying for no reason, but I guess that's what happens when you do something hard. I am so glad that we are both learning, I just wish we could have done it together instead of apart...I hope she waits for me, because I am nothing without her...

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